God's Steadfast Love

By Deborah Weidnaar (this article is adapted from a testimony given at the memorial service for Rachel, Deb and Jim's unborn daughter)

This pregnancy from the beginning was a spiritual struggle for me. I was just finishing up 1.5 years of physical therapy for chronic back pain. When my husband Jim convinced me to take a pregnancy test, I did it for his sake. The test confirmed that after 17 years of marriage, and the adoption of our daughter, I was to carry a child. I was not only dumb-founded; I was struck with deep fear at what God was doing.

Those were the darkest days for me. Losing weight, dehydrated, unable to exercise or get to physical therapy, I could only lie still, so I would not vomit. I was on the edge of despair. My Bible study had been focused on the Psalms, and I had been struck with the recurring theme, "his steadfast love endures forever." Feeling now as if I was in free fall and that my faith was small and weak. I reminded myself over and over that God was clinging to me; he was steadfast. I certainly had no strength to cling to him.

The first trip to the ER, I was bleeding and a miscarriage seemed very probable. God sent a compassionate Christian nurse to care for me. She silently prayed while we waited for the tests to be done. "His steadfast love" was all around us. In the ultrasound room, I saw Rachael for the first time. So small, she lay curled up withher little heart pulsing rapidly. My heart was moved with compassion. This was my calling, to hear her vulnerable growing life. I was able to accept and receive that burden then. I was God's vessel to do with as He pleased. My life was His to orchestrate in very mysterious and fearful ways, but I had peace.

It was this first trip to ER, though God used the struggle I had the previous weeks, which prepared me for what lay ahead. At the first scheduled ultrasound, heart tissues and multiple other problems were revealed. I knew the chances of bad news for Rachael were high, but God's steadfast love was carrying us. During the MRI, anxieties began to come again. Focusing on Psalm 23, the verse "his rod and his staff they comfort me" anchored my mind. Initially it seemed strange. After pondering it for awhile, I considered the truths that 1) God "disciplines those he loves," 2) that Christ learned obedience from what he suffered, and 3) God had complete control of this pregnancy--these thoughts convinced me that He was not letting me wander off away from him. His rod and staff kept me near him and ensured I was under His vigilant eye. Again peace flowed in my soul and I was comforted.

God continued to carry me and reveal his "steadfast love". After the prognosis of almost certain death for Rachael, God surrounded us with His care through the Body of Christ with cards, emails and phone calls of encouragement. The diversity of the Body was displayed -- one member dropped off a loaf of homemade bread, another called to watch Abby so Jim and I could have some time together, others called to drop off a meal, some cared for Abby while we made doctor appointments, some came to pray with us, and one suffering saint called to weep with me on the phone. The list could go on. God's people were His hands and feet to us. He was very near.

And now God has taken Rachael. We are left with the final gift of being able to grieve for her without despair, without regrets. It is hard to describe how peaceful and soothing such simple grief is. But I know it is only because of God's steadfast love toward me that I am able to cry without anguish of heart or failing faith.

Praise be to God, his steadfast love endures forever.....